In Defence of the Vuvuzela

The People versus Vuvuzela

Part 1: Horny at the World Cup

Today’s Toronto Star website asks: Should vuvuzelas, the native horn that has become the defining feature of the World Cup, be banned from stadiums?

And with nearly 15,000 votes finds that 61% of voters say Yes, while 39% say No (to hell with 3rd party candidates "Maybe" and "Who gives a crap?").

Though the vuvuzela buzz on television during World Cup games is slightly noticeable, like all things annoying, we get used to it, and perhaps even grow to like it. The issue is being blown out of proportion (get it?), as what was a minor annoyance on television has become a race issue via the syllogistic reasoning of Internet forums:

Major Premise: Vuvuzelas are traditional African horns.

Minor Premise: North Americans don’t like hearing them on TV.

Conclusion: North Americans hate Africans.

That leap is more annoying than all the vuvuzelas in Durban.

I personally voted that, No, they should not be banned. As BBC sports commentator Farayi Mungazi said the sound of the horn was the "recognized sound of football in South Africa" and is "absolutely essential for an authentic South African footballing experience." Good enough for me.

We should all suck it up (although we wouldn’t get much of a sound from it if we did. Get it?)

One small step for vuvuzela. One giant leap, for plastic horns.

Part 2: Noises Off!

This got me thinking about noises. The ones we like, the ones we don’t, and the ones we think we like but really, shouldn’t. This list will be a work in progress. Someday it will be comprehensive. Perhaps this list will be my contribution to society.

Feel free to add to or disagree with this completely subjective list. Though if you disagree too loudly, you’re bound to end up on the Electric Sax list.

The Vuvuzela Category (Noises that aren’t so bad that “people” seem to hate): Afternoon lawn mowers, Billy Joel’s 1990s music, Michael Buble, Snapping gum.

The Bagpipe Category (Noises that are bad that “people” seem to romanticize): Cicadas, John Secada, Tap Dancing, Elton John’s songs from The Lion King

The Electric Sax Category (Noises that are horrible and under no circumstance should be allowed to exist): Wet hands on a balloon, Fran Drescher’s Voice in The Nanny, the sound quality of local car dealership commercials coming out of Buffalo, New York, a mouth chewing bread, teenagers talking on a bus

The Baby Laughing Category (Noises that really aren’t that great, but people love): Synth Pop, Carol Channing, Drum circles in parks, Proficient violin

Eeeeeeek!

On Notice: World Cup 2010

Put that Canadian pride aside and be ready to see the Portugal flags from space: the World Cup is coming! Time for Spartan to resurrect. Starting this weekend, Spartan will be one of a batrillion blogs capturing the sights, sounds and debauchery of futbol.

During my MFA, I heard a lot of crazy bullshit. Most of it was someone repeating back to me something I just said. One thing that stuck was the wisdom of Canadian playwright Guillermo Verdecchia who told me "Absence of culture is still culture." It's true except during grand International spectacles like the Olympics and the World Cup of Soccer when those with an absence feel a void. Unlike the Olympics, the World Cup never allows us to exercise the Canadian jingoism instinct. Many of us have to do some digging at these times.

Toronto is a city of world cup nations (there must be Hondurans here somewhere), and I am a boy who can lay claim to culture exotique every four years. Mama is Italian and Greek. Papa is German and English. All four countries are in the 2010 World Cup (and Canada never will be again, which is good - we need to suck at glamourous sports to keep the equilibrium). For the next month, Spartan will follow one boy looking for his cultural roots, commenting on hooligans, and acknowledging the cool parts, all the while, only marginally caring about soccer.

For the record, unless they lose to South Korea in the first game, Spartan supports:And, if like the Greek economy, they tank, I'll be throwing all my elbows into supporting:

Spartanly Yours,
db

Me and Mother Discuss American Idol

I watch American Idol. So what? Who cares? I don't really watch it for the music, but like any television show, there is some drama to watching a complete season. There are characters, heroes (Crystal Bowersox, Michael Lynch) and villains (Tim Urban, Ellen DeGeneres).

Once in a while you hear a decent performance, and it certainly resurrects the original versions of songs that some viewers would not have otherwise been exposed to (I am sure American Idol contestants botching Hallelujah has lead to discoveries of Jeff Buckley and Leonard Cohen).

Okay, so the point. This morning my mom sent me an email with her recap of last night's American Idol. And well, it turned into a brief back and forth. My mother and I rarely get to discuss things like artistic merit, music, fashion and competition: Spartan's fun zone. Here are some (mostly unedited) highlights.

And for those that argue American Idol is a dumbing down of society, a future blog that will attempt to justify it. For those that argue this entry dumbs down Spartan, a reminder of this.

*

Dave's Mom: Crystal - good job; liked it a bunch
Dave: Agreed. She's solid and doesn't need the show anymore.

DM: Right - I don't think she will win because the audience tends to choose less out there singers.
D: Maybe. I just think there are 4 rockers this year and it's rarely an all rock final. So something has to give. I don't really think it's going to hurt her career to be booted early. It might even help.

*

DM: Andrew - Karaoke a bit; a bit boring or unexciting
D: Brutal. Worst of the night and surely he'll go home. Song choice has destroyed him. He always picks something lame and light instead of going for gravitas (Can't Buy Me Love and Hound Dog?! Are you kidding me? Your dad was in a gang! Where's your depth and pain?)

DM: Agree 100% with your comments

D: Thank you. And to add: I mean, you have a neck tattoo! Where's your edge?!

*

DM: Tim - the Karaoke continues; give this boy a telethon to buy a personality (don't understand why the judges liked it. Perhaps he is wearing them down and they have to start saying something nice about him)
D: I didn't hate this. It was pretty good. Even pretty. I still don't like him and think he's soulless.

DM: Pretty indeed. I do agree that he is soulless.
D: He'll go into cruise control now and only do those songs. He reminds me a bit of Jason Castro now. Empty masquerading as deep and cute masquerading as important.

*

DM: Lee - I really like his voice and enjoyed this one possibly better
than Crystal. (Let's call it a tie for now.)
D: Lee was amazing. I like him better than David Cook, who I guess is the most obvious comparison.

DM: He reminds me a bit of Dave Matthews. By the way I LOVED David Cook.
D: Good comparison to Dave Matthews. Look at you! The song Dave Matthews played at the Grammy's was amazing and I can see Lee going that way. I didn't love David Cook. His originality was someone else's originality (doing a version of a song the exact same way as someone else's version is not creative e.g. when he did Billie Jean he was ripping off someone else's version of Billie Jean; sort of how it bugs me when people sing Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah...it's amazing, but it's not amazing to do HIS version...it's Leonard Cohen's song. Do YOUR version Tim Urban!)

*

DM: Aaron - Ouch! Started really poorly and went downhill from there. (He will get pre-pubescent votes and remain in the competition however.)
D: I think the pubescent votes got to Tim. Strong finish, great voice, but this guy is in trouble, though in 5 years, you and Dad will buy his album.

(Editor's Note: a brief conversation about Pamela Anderson ensued. Most of that has been redacted. But here's how it ended:)
D: I don't watch Dancing with the Stars. I don't think she's slutty per se. Besides, it seems to keep her rich. She's got maybe 5 more years of people thinking she doesn't look creepy.

*

DM: Siobhan - Not my favourite of hers until she got funky toward the end. I don't like her lower register because it sounds like she is trying to be some sex kitten.
D: She's sounding very 70s right now. Which might not be a bad thing. I actually think she's peaked and can't really do anything to surprise. I originally thought she'd be in the top 2, but not anymore. Her song choices haven't helped. If they do a Dusty Springfield week, she'll be fine. They won't.

DM: Too bad because I really like her voice, her look and her attitude. Again, the voters won't keep her around to the final 2.
D: Agreed. Though most people think she sings from her nose. I did like her defence last night.

*

DM: Michael - I liked it but think the judges should have let him go last
week. Really nice, pure tones to his voice.
DM: This was amazing. Second or third best of the night and I completely agree with the judges keeping him (especially when Tim is still around). Totally deserves to be in still, and should be top 3.

D: I just think they may need the save for Crystal because the voters aren't smart enough to keep her.
DM: They could use it after the top 5 and she'll surely make it that far. I think voters are smart enough to keep someone like her around. I give the AI audience some credit. Very little though until they turf Katie or Tim.

*

D: Katie - Most upbeat, most personality but time for her to say goodbye in my humble opinion - I personally am tired of her.
DM: Dislike her completely. She's got a poor sense of who she can be as a singer. I've agreed with Simon's comments. She's not Mary J Blige. At most, she's Taylor Swift. She was great last week, but I think she should be bottom 3 with the other two young ones.

DM: Total agreement!
D: Cool.

*

DM: Casey - I like Casey but this was not his best for me. Too many other really good Elvis songs he could have chosen.
D: I agree with you. He's pretty awesome, and while I'm glad he chose something cool (Hound Dog and Blue Suede shoes are just lame choices from two this week), I think something like You'll Never Walk Alone or something more epic from Elvis would've been good (even Guitar Man, which is a great Elvis song made famous by Jerry Reed!)

DM: Needs a stylist to dress him as well. I know it is tough for the men to look good but Casey looks like he got dressed in the barn before going out to milk the cows. And yet he has that rocker vibe when he sings. Perhaps he could watch some Bon Jovi videos to see how Jon dresses and presents himself on the stage.
D: I disagree with you on every single point there. Are you suggesting Casey should wear leather pants? Casey wears fantastic shirts. I am inspired by how they keep his sleeves rolled up without rolling? I asked Erin, how do you think he does that. Erin thought safety pins. I think it might be a tailored button. Anyway, he isn't looking farmery, he looks blues musiciany (google Derek Trucks who I think he's ripping off a bit). Big ass difference. To say he should be MORE like Bon Jovi is like you telling me I should be more like an accountant. Sure it's respectable, might mean a steady income, but...hm, maybe I should be an accountant.

Home Opener!

...and of course, what better way to prepare for the 2010 Jays' (currently 5-1) season than a cross-blog pollination with Jake Mooney and his optimism project through the Torontoist.

Click here and read not just today's entry by yours truly, but the previous six days which have me feeling pretty damn good about...well...everything. Even Vernon Wells!

It's hard to excerpt something that's less than 300 words, but here's a taste of my treatise which Mooney summarizes as "the ineffable feeling of hope that accompanies the beginning of a new MLB season"

Opening day optimism is a shared secret. Shhhhh, stay sober in the face of perceived conclusion that the Blue Jays’ playoff hopes are obstructed by behemoths of history and finance; the AL East is the terrain of baseball’s best (Yankees, Red Sox, and Devil Rays). A failed optimist lingers on other’s success, on cruel divisional alignments; she transforms to pessimist instantly.

I'll be in the upper deck tonight and expect to see a decent game, a lot of completely hammered white people, and Alex Rios, being escorted by armed guards to and from the dugout each inning. Ah, sport.

Alice Cooper, Tiger Woods, a Big Hump

Although Alice Cooper isn't my favourite metal icon (I bet you're all interested as to who is), the combination of metal and sports is well, arousing.


There are a boat load of comments on this graphic on the Globe and Mail website, and Tiger Woods is probably going to win the Masters this weekend (not coincidentally and quite unnecessarily, Alice Cooper is touring Canada with Rob Zombie right now). Repugnant or reprehensible as one may find Tiger Woods, if he wins the Masters, it will be an amazing sports story .

I can't wait until Dave Mustaine makes his NHL Playoff picks.

Dave says: "Cup Finals...Coyotes and Capitals."

Eva Markvoort

I think we underestimate how athletic each of us are. How, even if we're not "in shape" we can climb a set of stairs, and although we may be winded, we can still breathe. I am guilty of taking for granted that I have yet to come face to face with a major health obstacle: that I sail freely around each room.

This morning, someone I knew, someone I wish I had the privilege of calling a friend, as she seems to have had nothing but a positive affect on people who did have that privilege, passed away after 25 years fighting cystic fibrosis. To me, she was a best friend of my best friends. I cannot claim to have known her, yet, like any star worth following, I felt as though I did.

From her friends in theatre, her friends from the online community, her friends as a result of her activism, and her friends living with cystic fibrosis, there have been and will be many eloquent things written about Eva Markvoort, all of them true, all of them reaching to express what her, her family and her close friends have experienced, screamed, cried and laughed at in these past couple of months since the acceptance that her battle was coming to an end. Without preface or apology, I'm compelled to reach. To acknowledge that good friends, acquaintances, strangers, and friends of friends are better off just to have heard of Eva.

Suit

—For Eva Markvoort

Put this poem in

a pretty book, if I can

put these words in a pretty place,

a next-stop-to-heart-sink kind of spot,

a here lies the meaning of life sort of joint.

And put my body in the perfect suit

if it goes, if it goes, if it’s something

fit for viewing. Dress it up and pin

these words to my lapel, just so,

and pretend my style

really had panache; make it

look like my arrangement meant the world,

or said anything at all, or everything

at once.

Sport Costumes!

kd Lang was great at the opening ceremony. Got a problem with that, hippy?

Some of you may know I'm working on a book of fashion writing with Sean Horlor in a sort of tag team affair of poetry. Added to the writing, we have some really beautiful sketches from Mara Gottler. Sean's much better at promoting this beast than I am, so watch the awkwardness with which I say that next week I will be reading some of these poems from my chapbook Gasmask Summer which is being launched and released by Toronto's Emergency Response Unit.

Launch and release seem to be very powerful and aggressive words for something that weighs less than a pound, but these verbs will be happening Monday, February 22 at 7:30PM at the Magpie in Toronto. (Note: the gold medal game will not be happening at this time or on this night).

Also releasing chapbooks this evening, Elisabeth de Mariaffi, Aaron Tucker, and the boyish and brash Jacob McArthur Mooney, who will soon be entering into a steel cage match of arty sport discussions on either my blog or his or both (or somewhere else - these negotiations take time).

In writing the poems for this book, I've been thinking about clothes pretty much non-stop for a year and a half. It's to the point where if we've seen each other in that time, I probably looked you up and down for ideas. But what I really want to discuss: last night's figure skating costumes. Not all of them; I'm sure there's a site for that. But this one:

Tatiana Volosozhar (she's graceful) and Stanislav Morozov (he hates the chaffing)

These two are certainly athletes. I am in no way making fun of figure skaters. Even when they fall, they are doing something that very few people could ever do, and with the exception of lugers, aerialists and VANOC organizers probably have the most Olympic balls of any of the participants (Jake, there's a possible discussion).

But even the commentators couldn't withhold their giggles at these beauties (and two of them WERE figure skaters!). Highlights were David Pelletier (gold medalist - pairs figure skating) saying that "this is sport not a carnival" and Rod Black (sports analyst, someone I got drunk with at a 2001 Winnipeg social: pictures forthcoming) claiming the skaters were "channeling their inner Avatar." I'll likely have something new written about these blue beauties for next week's Magpie launch.

I feel like Joan Rivers, excited to see what the Ukrainians will be wearing tonight.

Sidenote: I also met Joan Rivers, but didn't get drunk with her. She kept calling me Barry. I didn't correct her.

Who are you wearing, Barry?