January 15, 2009

Top 5 Musicians with Muscles

Every once in a while, someone known for athletic pursuit will attempt a foray into the arts. This sort of fish out of water story makes news when it's really incongruous: Pro QB Randall Cunningham took ballet, WWE Wrestler Chris Jericho has a “band,” and Dancing with the Stars is doing a great job at softening (or ruining, depending on how much you like cars and Budweiser) Hall of Fame Football players' reputations.

Usually this blog attempts ridiculous amounts of masculinity (see my mini-ode to Elisha Cuthbert). Well, this week, let’s mix it up a bit. At the risk of changing the usually uber-masculine tone here (or come to think of it, confirming it) and stepping on Sean Horlor's Up Your Alley terrain of showing lots of near-naked men (http://www.xtra.ca/blog/vancouver/), this week I’m taking a look at those artists who "go" athlete?

Below…my top five athletic Musicians. I realize that all musicians require some amount of physical ability and endurance, particularly drummers, singers, and people who blow air into things (if a Tuba player ever had the balls to play shirtless, I bet we'd see a severe drop in Pilates DVDs in favour of tuba lessons); however, this week's list has three eligibility criteria:

First: It will be only male musicians. This saves me a boatload of trouble when I choose five female "musicians" (i.e. Fergie) and open up a can of worms on what exactly constitutes a healthy/athletic body. Not going there, sister. (For the record, Tina Turner would be on the list).

Second: It will only be people I’ve heard of. If there is some bodybuilding opera singer living in Romania, post a link to his freakish, talented figure…we’ll all be more cultured for it.

Third: It will be pretty shallow, based mostly on some male physical ideal formed in my impressionable childhood brain while watching Superstars of Wrestling on Saturday mornings. The reality is, a number of the people on this list are surface athletic: 80s Stallone on the outside, 90s Billy Joel on the inside…and so…

Boyd Tinsley – Electric violinist for the most abused rock band in history, The Dave Matthews Band. Not only is this guy ripped (who knew the violin weighed so much?), but he also started his own tennis tournament. Clearly he has a string fetish.




50 Cent – Who knows how much resistance training he receives from carrying around bullets lodged in his body, but the fact is, 50 Cent is freakishly large for someone who MCs with such malaise. 50 might be on roids, but are you gonna accuse him?








Glenn Danzig – Though he was sort of skinny during his days in the Misfits, well, punk and muscles don’t really go—sort of like punk and bike shorts (though what do bike shorts go with? I’m not sure they even go with bikes). Once Danzig went more metal, dude made even the most testosterone-y teenage boy feel inadequate.







LL Cool J –Though his music is near unlistenable these days (notwithstanding his part on Hit ‘Em High for the Space Jam soundtrack), this guy has his own workout book! I bought it. It was a bit embarrassing. I hide it when you come over to my house. But I tried it. It worked a bit. Though it didn’t say much about drinking draft beer as a muscle recovery drink, so I’m willing to take part of the blame for that one.






Nikki Sixx – I recently finished Nikki Sixx’s journals The Heroin Diaries. Well worth the read. What astounded me about the Motley Crue bassist was that he was strung out on heroin, cocaine, Jack Daniels, pills, etc. and every once in a while, he’d go to the gym! Unlike LL's diet book, Nikki's seems to work pretty well. Oh, and let's not forget, Nikki Sixx died twice. Once in 1986 and once in 1987 when on both occasions, his heart stopped. Do you know how hard it is to live after your heart has stopped? And we think Michael Phelps has a strong cardiovascular system....




On the Bubble: Usher (but there was no way I was putting his shirtless body on my blog), Sepultura's Derrick Green (You’ve heard of him right?!), Henry Rollins (He did pushups in the video for Disconnect), Gwar (But I think they just wore body armour), Times Square Naked Cowboy (the term artist is used loosely), Grace Jones.

Did I miss anyone? Let me know...

14 comments:

war daddy said...

Dude ...

What about Iggy Pop? Heroin junkie and whatever other substances he could put in his body ... Still cut.

Even the Crow comic book Eric Draven was based on Iggy Pop's body ...

I mean if you put Nikki Sixx ... you got have a mention of Iggy ...

David Brock said...

Good call, War. Though, Iggy Pop is sort of genetic anomaly...skinny, always shirtless, like a blow up doll that is laid out on the floor waiting to be inflated. If his skin wasn't a pale shade of yellow, he'd sort have a marathon runner thing going...

The Nikki Sixx was sort of an ironic choice - remember when Casper van Dien shot bugs in Starship Troopers and the insides that splattered out were basically gelatinous and colourful? That's probably what Nikki Sixx looks like inside.

russ said...

This took some thought. I don't know, but I always thought Handsome Dick Manitoba looked pretty ripped on the cover of the The Dictator's album 'Go Girl Crazy.' Both of which can be enjoyed here:
http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=7H5rqaEzYcY

Benjamin said...

I heard Eliot Smith used to be a really dirty basketball player. He threw his elbows around a lot. I guess that's not really what you're looking for now, is it?

David Brock said...

Ben, that's a good idea for a future discussion...musicians who could actually play...like the Beastie Boys playing 3-on-3 against Green Day on the '94 Lollapalooza tour.

Paul Vermeersch said...

Tim Capello was Tina Turner's sax man. He has the cheesiest eightiest movie scene ever in The Lost Boys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIU52Yeogdk

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Interesting theme, I will take part.

Anonymous said...

Derrick Green should have been included into Top 5, maybe instead of Danzig because he's fat now, or instead of Sixx, who besides dead twice, he never was very muscular. Derrick, on the other hand, is extremely muscular and naturally big and tall with wide shoulders. He is all clean muscles and very pumped up, while being a strict vegetarian so no meat or egg proteins, and he's said in one interview that he never took steroids.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Just popping in to say nice site.

kungfubob90 said...

Greg Puciato! check it out he's beast

Iwan said...

You could've mentioned ALL of the Misfits, because they ALL look like muscle monsters!!

Iwan said...

You could have mentioned Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen... If there's ONE gym rat musician, it's him! He does extreme cardio, kickboxing, muay thai, he benches like TWICE his bodyweight...